The Roommate Search: What Not To Do

So over the last few weeks I've been busy looking for a new roommate. My current one is moving back home at the end of the month, and rather than give up my awesome and almost comically under-priced apartment, I've decided to use the strange and mighty powers of CraigsList to find a new roomie. While I think I'm narrowing in on a good potential candidate or two, I wanted to share a bit of the wisdom I've gleaned from the process so far. Here's my advice to anyone searching CL hoping to find a room for rent.

-Read the ad. Closely. My ad wasn't exactly Homer's Odyssey, but I was amazed to see how many responses I received from people who clearly hadn't read more than the headline. If you ask basic questions that were answered in the text of the ad, I'm going to wonder about your basic mental health, and that's a bad sign right there. When I say pets aren't allowed, I don't care how awesome your dog is, I can't make the landlords change their policy, but I can make sure that I ignore your e-mail.

-Make sure you fit the general criteria. No, I wasn't too specific (intentionally), but when I say that I'm 24, and say I'm looking for someone in my age range, don't be 40. That's just silly. Similarly, don't have a kid. I know I can't actually put that in an ad, but what kind of parent wants to move into a two bedroom apartment with a stranger, when all they'll have is a single bedroom. Also, how desperate would I have to be to take on that kind of roommate?

-Respond to the ad with some semblance of competence. If you followed the first point, you would have noticed that my ad was free of spelling and grammar mistakes. This probably means that a response along the lines of "hey dood i saw ur ad & wz thinking id be a kewl rommate k let me no" will probably not pique my interest much. No, you don't have to be the world's greatest writer, but since most web browsers now have a built-in spell-check, shit like that is just inexcusable anywhere but your friend's MySpace page.

-Say something like: check out my Facebook/MySpace page, without realizing that you have your profile set to private (something that I encourage in general). It just makes you seem stupid. Say a few things about yourself...remember, I'm going to be sorting through quite a few responses, so you have to give me some reason to even spend the time corresponding with you.

-Respond to e-mails fairly promptly. Ok, so maybe you don't spend your day in front of the computer (I don't). But more than a day or so passes, and you haven't responded to my e-mail? You better have a really good reason, or I'm assuming you have negligible social skills. If you're not interested in the room, or found some place else, have the decency to say so.

-Show up to an appointment on-time. Much as I love showing off my apartment, there are plenty of other things I can do when I'm not at work, many of which involve beer. If you're going to be late, please call.

-Along those lines: if you are lost, call. I know my apartment is hard to find...I got badly lost when I first went to see it. I also know the neighborhood fairly well, and can direct you if you get lost. What doesn't work, however, is saying that you're going to be over at 1, calling at 1:30 saying you're almost there, and then showing up after 2, just in time to say you were really badly lost. Yes, you lost out on the apartment alright.

-Allow yourself enough time to actually see the apartment and then meet me. No, a cursory look at the apartment is not enough time to judge if you want to live here. Additionally, considering we exchanged maybe 100 words, I'm not really confident that you'd be a good fit. If you only spend three minutes in the apartment, don't act surprised when I tell you I don't think it will work.

-Ask basic questions ahead of time. If having a washer and dryer in the unit is a deal-breaker for you, ask me ahead of time if I have one. That way, you don't waste my time when you show up, spend 30 seconds looking around, ask, and then leave. Seriously, we exchanged e-mails, you even asked me several other questions...did this one just slip your mind?

-Come prepared with a question or two. Yes, my ad was fairly descriptive, and once you got here I said plenty more, but there are always things I forget to cover. If you ask a question or two, it makes me feel like you're paying attention, and actually care about your future living situation.

-Similarly, be prepared to have a conversation. Just like you have to decide if you like the apartment, I have to decide if I want to live with you. Even if we don't have to be best buddies, I still would like to be able to engage in the occasional conversation with the other human sharing the space. Even if you are socially retarded, at least try. Also, don't have a really creepy laugh. This is more of a general social thing, but it applies in this specific situation as well.

-Don't be surprised that I'm going to ask for a deposit. If I stop searching, and then you decide you'd rather move to Mozambique, I'd really prefer to not be left holding the bag. If paying first and last month's rent, plus half of the security deposit is a big surprise to you, you probably don't have much rental experience.

-Don't ask if you can spend a night here before you decide. First, the apartment is not haunted, so it's not like you have to worry about ghosts. Second, this isn't a hotel. If you're just moving to town, I'm sorry, but you can't just "crash" here.

-Generally, don't be a dick. That sort of shit might have been really popular with your date-raping frat buddies, but I'm an actual grown-up human, so I'm more likely to call the cops when you tell me that you might be bringing home some nearly-comatose bar skank.

So just keep that in mind, and I can still reject you because you're not as hot as one of the other applicants...